FHM Pakistan
FHM Breeze Non-fiction

“If this is what depression is then yes, I have depression.”

“I don’t know what depression is. I don’t know what people mean when they talk about mental illness but I’m here to talk about something so hear me out. For days – actually for months, I’ve been feeling empty. I don’t really know how to describe this empty. It’s like there is this empty hole in my heart. Even though, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s getting bigger and bigger every passing day. Trust me, this feeling isn’t beautiful. It is the ugliest feeling in the world: a feeling that can actually end you anytime.

I have food on my table every day, roof on my head, loving parents and friends around. Then why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like I’ve no purpose? Why do I feel so miserable?  No, it’s not sadness. I shouldn’t be sad. I’ve everything. But, I feel like there is some external force that’s sucking me into itself. I don’t feel like talking. I don’t feel like doing anything. Some days I just feel like sitting idle and on some days I want to cry so bad till all the parts in my body starts hurting. I want to scream. I want to just get it out. But get what out? I don’t know. All I see is darkness. Every time I close my eyes, I see darkness. I want to keep stabbing myself. I want to feel the pain. I want to feel what everyone does. I’m unable to. I can’t cry for help. It’s like every time I do, my tongue somehow fails to co-operate. My mind makes me feel guilty. Yes, I eat healthy. Yes, I pray. I do everything I should be doing. Then why do I feel this way? Am I ungrateful? I don’t know. At least that’s what people say. They say my lifestyle isn’t good that’s why I feel this way. I don’t know. I’m stuck. If that’s what depression is, then yes I do have depression and none of the things that the world does affect me. Gradually, everything is starting to fade and everything is dying for me. Soon, I will die too. I’m scared of living a long life because I know I’ll stay this way for the rest of my life. No person, nothing in this entire world makes me happy. I feel useless.

I actually feel the darkness as its consuming me. It’s consuming me and its eating my entire soul.

People say that’s because I’ve a lot of sins. Maybe I do. Maybe my sins are making me feel this way. But how come even the wrong things that I’ve done failed to make me feel happy? Aren’t your sins supposed to give you a sense of guilty pleasure? Something to be proud of at that very moment? Then how come I didn’t feel all of that even when I wanted to? No, it’s not my sins because every time I think about what’s wrong with me, my sins and my wrong doings don’t come before my eyes. It’s not the good things either. It’s nothing. Just a blank piece of thought that’s slowly being colored with my darkness. If that’s depression, then yes I do have depression and it’s never ending.

I feel like I’m at the brink of the end. I feel like crying even when I’m surrounded by the most loving people. I feel like crying when I’m out hanging out with friends. I feel like crying when I accidentally break a plate. I feel like my life is continuously switching between a colorful world and a colorless world but the power of the colorless one is so strong that it’s slowly taking over the colorful one as well.

If this is depression, then yes I do have depression.


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